Hot Take: Cars Have Reached Peak Stupid in 2018

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 01/16/2018 at 13:12 • Filed to: None

4

22

Today I sat across the parking lot divider from a Mercedes GLA XXX (where the XXX now comes from a random number generator housed on a server in Johann de Nysschen’s basement, which I imagine Johann likes to equate to the Batcave, but in reality resembles Harvey Weinstein’s basement more closely, but with cars). I felt like my brain was broken. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen one of these before. I see them almost every day. I see a lot of cars every day. But after a year or so, I came to the conclusion that this may be the first vehicle I simply can’t defend, support, or make sense of. The GLA – and its Infiniti twin – are that car.

Today’s offender

As a car enthusiast, I like to believe that we can find at least one positive thing to say about almost any vehicle. How about my previously-declared Worst Car Ever , the early 2000s Chevy Malibu? At least they’re cheap to buy and easy to work on. Both of those refer to the used market, so I still maintain that you had to be pretty confused to buy one new. The GLA, on the other hand…they’re almost all new or very lightly used. That means people today – coming off the tail end of the Great Recession, amid wake-up calls like stagnating wages and employment, skyrocketing tuition and healthcare expenses, with the widest variety of vehicles the world has ever seen, and with a newfound collective sense of financial pragmatism that allegedly came from the financial crisis – are willingly choosing to hand over their government- and deity-backed fiat money for this vehicle over all others. Even Fiats.

The obvious reaction to my comment would be “Why do you care?” or “People are going to buy what they want” or “It’s a style choice.” All valid. Style is subjective and people’s needs vary widely, there is no disputing that. But there comes a point where style takes over to such a degree that, without some commensurate form-based performance or utility to make up for it, it’s no longer valid as a reason. However, as long as people hide behind subjectivity, they never have to acknowledge their error. It’s like Harvey Weinstein’s version of moral relativism, but for cars.

There’s a mathematial explanation for how bad that car is.

Yes, I know there’s an AMG version. More power is like the vinyl siding of the car world – it hides a lot of flaws. But at the end of the day, you’re still in a fake hatchback and you still live in a double-wide trailer, regardless of what the marketing brochures told you about trendy compact crossovers and efficient tiny houses.

The bottom line is you have a car that does nothing well. Every other car in the Mercedes lineup does everything this does, and most of them do it better – to say nothing of all the competing brands offering similar cars. As much flak as I’ve given to the current trend of compact CUVs like the Honda HR-V, at least you’re getting an unpretentious brand and Honda had a reasonable excuse to slot something under the growing CR-V. And a fresh start to market a vehicle to millennials, even if (just like with the CR-V and Element) it’s mostly purchased by empty nesters for its practicality and resale value. And they like to sit up high because going 65mph in the left lane warrants a commanding view of the road.

If something like the GLA came as a first effort from an upstart carmaker or new-to-the-market Chinese firm, I would probably excuse it (mostly). But when it shows up with the venerable tri-star badge on it – something that is supposed to come with a lot of prestige, history, and expertise – it arrives with so much baggage you wouldn’t be able to fit it all in the GLA without folding the rear seats down. And, to paraphrase the Harvey Weinstein film !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , that’s a really uncomfortable place to do anything.

For Sweden > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 13:21

6

Germans build plants in the USA

German cars become dumb

Coincidence?

RT > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 13:40

6

Are there lots of bad new cars?

Nope, just about everything feels solid and drives to a reasonable standard now.

Are there lots of stupid new cars?

Yes. More than there have ever been before.

Ash78, voting early and often > RT 01/16/2018 at 13:48

4

Well said. A lot of bad ideas executed very well.

average user > For Sweden 01/16/2018 at 13:56

1

Specifically, the plant is located in Alabama.

For Sweden > average user 01/16/2018 at 13:58

0

Alabama > South Carolina

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > average user 01/16/2018 at 14:17

2

Hey now, it’s not our fault they tell us to make the garbage MB products.

functionoverfashion > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 14:31

2

But there comes a point where style takes over to such a degree that, without some commensurate form-based performance or utility to make up for it, it’s no longer valid as a reason.

Even the X3 is an example of this: my wife has an X3 and I have a 3-series wagon. When it comes to taking our family somewhere for a weekend, you can’t stack the dogs on top of each other in the trunk, so the extra vertical space does nothing for us. In practice, the X3 rarely can do anything that my wagon cannot.

In fact, because my rear window opens separately from the door, I can shut the rear door, open the window and cram more things in than I could with her car because things start to fall out.

Nibby > For Sweden 01/16/2018 at 14:46

2

Sweden > Alabama

For Sweden > Nibby 01/16/2018 at 14:48

1

debatable 

Aaron M - MasoFiST > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 15:09

0

At the end of the day, automakers make what sells. When the future goes autonomous, we will deserve it.

Ash78, voting early and often > For Sweden 01/16/2018 at 15:24

0

Pulled pork > meatballs

Blue and yellow > red and white

Cheerleaders > bikini team

“Hey y’all” > “bork bork bork”

So far, I agree...

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 16:42

3

I could never understand why people would buy something so small, so unrefined and so expensive.

The entire point of a “premium” car from a supposedly upmarket brand (let’s ignore for now that MB offers very pedestrian cars outside the US) is to offer a more luxurious tool for travelling.

When a “premium” car is this small and downmarket, the entire marketing campaign just feels cynical. Literally the only thing of value the GLA provides is the badge and the appearance, if it’s your cup of tea.

Looking quickly at some consumer reviews, people are mostly impressed with the style and the feature set. Looks like all these buyers are unaware that much cheaper cars have more standard equipment than a base GLA.

If I’m buying a Benz, it had better be an E-class or larger. Otherwise, the value just isn’t there for me.

Dusty Ventures > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 18:12

1

Less hot take: we don’t even know what peak stupid looks like yet.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Dusty Ventures 01/16/2018 at 18:14

0

I thought it was that new Toyota face.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 18:20

0

I don’t disagree. Not entirely. But these are useful for double duty for wintertime mountain goers who live in a city with a lot of parallel parking. AWD and extra ground clearance for snow, not very big for parking ease. Yeah, niche as hell, but it’s there. If pricing were better and visibility wasn’t terrible, I would take one, especially if we got the diesel. I can’t justify the FWD ones though. Or pricing.

Dusty Ventures > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 01/16/2018 at 18:23

0

Barely cresting the Khumbu Icefall

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Dusty Ventures 01/16/2018 at 18:47

1

That’s terrifying to think about

Ash78, voting early and often > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 01/16/2018 at 19:18

0

Good point...but if I ever see an owner in that situation, I’ll understand better. That’s not a market niche here, yet the cars are everywhere.

Side note: I recently test drove a 2015 GLK (3.5) and was really impressed. That’s a tall hatchback done right. And with some of the boldest styling I’ve even seen anywhere, especially Merc.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 19:31

0

It’s my niche  but I would probably use it for light forest trails when camping and mountain biking too.

Yes! I love the facelifted GLK’s. Especially with the diesel. Nice inside, and just capable enough where you need it.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 20:54

0

(sees mercedes, walks to cabinet)

Carbon Fiber Sasquatch > Ash78, voting early and often 01/16/2018 at 21:15

0

Peak Stupid? These are just hatchback variants, we’re no where near peak stupid!

Spanfeller is a twat > Ash78, voting early and often 01/21/2018 at 19:40

0

Since cars are becoming so reliable, and mechanical design has become easier (what with your cad drawings) brands really vouch for their branding and marketing to stand out.

We live today in an era where the differences between, idk... a c250 and the BMW 330i are down to design and the brand connotation, they copy each other in engine output and size, only changing so that the teacher doesn’t notice its the same homework! Really the biggest difference is that the 3 series is an older design so it feels like an older interior. The only brand that still does monumentally stupid things is Acura with its weird double screen infotainment

Wait, Infinity too?

infinity too...

Anyway, brands today bank on their image and marketing way more because they need to stand out to customers and with customers expecting perfect reliability and intelligent space usage out of every car, well... they can only stand out with Super Bowl ads.